a l o n e

its about day 3(?) or so of work on this website thing in my free time at work. still cant get the font to work correctly for '< p div>' stuff, but ill just ignore it until later. been having some help learning from old friends of mine and its still just so overwhelming... ig ill work on other parts instead of the blog part.

its... been a while. just so much going on in my head and so much of my past getting to my head. been tryna get outside more and go places to distract myself from all the uncertainty. got a few things from [SEATTLE] and [CAPITOL HILL], mostly some cute outfits n stuff. full list was some [TRIPP PANTS], another cute dress, something more to essentuate a femme physique, some chokers/wrist straps, a cool half-sleeved croptop, and the best part (besides the pants) was the last of the store's RX-78-2 RG 2.0 Gunpla. that brand new gunpla released not even a month ago (10th, 4UG 2024). overall more excited for femme clothes/dressing.

ugh... its been.. over 4 weeks... so much [SH1T] has happened. constantly overwhelmed, constantly regretted, constant not knowing. workin at this paid-internship thing has been up and down as well. juggling feelings of my/whatever past n things ive [FVCK3D] up. i/whatever feel so hodgepodge or... whats the way to describe it. lost? i/whatever think itll be best to jott my ideas down somewhere even if it doesnt line up or make sense. lets try.....

constantly being mentally strained by my past. i/whatever dont know why i cant get over myself and things ive/whatever have done? its almost daily at this point

feeling so mentally foggy even at work, then after a long time of just the bleh feeling, then striaight into feeling the most tired and exhausted ive/whatever been, and then im/whatever okay right after?

constantly trying to do things to get myself out of this rutt by doing things like getting out of the house, keeping a hobby, keeping up with things like art and stuff... and yet i/whatever still feel like nothings better/changed.

i/whatever feel like ive made the most progress for myself/whatever and yet feel like ive/whatever made absolutely no progress in life for myself...

huh... its already been almost a week since my/whatever last update... welp guess ill/whatever will see if i/whatever remember whats happened since. so far, i/whatever got a half-made partial from an acquaintance to work on for myself that theyve been tryna get rid of for a while apparently. its almost done i just need to find eye covers and something for the eyeliner. been also tryna get better at posing/photography for the lil goobers (gunpla/customs). had a first D&D session game 0.. that was fun at least. got an eye exam done and ordered new lenses and frames, all of which had to be out-of-pocket... so thats abt 2mo of paychecks down the drain to be able to see clearly for the first time in forever. the problem was that most people should have about 5 levels of focus, and i/whatever have 1... meaning my/whatever eyes have been working 5x harder to change focus. got a cute sweater after some thrifting at a local queer business :3. been trying eyeliner more often and its getting better (i/whatever think?)

yeesh... its been some time again. almost a whole month since i've/whatever touched this website. it sucks cuz i/whatever want to work on this and make it goog. but i/whatever cant even understand html. it makes me/whatever feel like i/whatever cant learn like i/whatever used to. feels like mental regression. sucks. i/whatever want to create but i/whatever cant. just cant. bleugh. guess its time to move into positive news for a bit. finally got an HRT appointment with PP after looking for once since... months. wanted to get the meds since the 2025 election is absolutely shit and worried that wont be able to get the meds after the year is over. 2025 makes me worried for everyone's saftey and how much this country might just... lose all its social progression. all over some idiot older than most peoples grandparents who has the most powerful position in the world... so much worry and stress and yet i want to hope and help others. to repent. just... my past coming back to me, others hurting, so much hate... just... overwhelmed.

a small booklet of useless information